Lately I've been finding myself over-thinking things. You know when you wonder if you do something, what might happen? Yeah that. I've also been making a TON of mistakes because of it. When you over prepare yourself for something, you tend to forget something and end up tripping over it (not literally, but figuratively).

A good example could be about my financial aid. I really want it early so I filled out a submission paper in which they will allow an optimum of 500 dollars. I requested 400 for gas, and car repairs ( I left out some luxuries). I overlooked it a million times to ensure everything was perfect and made note to sign the date. I woke up late and rushed to turn it without... signing the date! Hopefully they do that - I really want to get some of my money early.

PS. Random note, but I have officially become a fanboy of t.A.T.u - their music is amazing and perfect. I love them!

I'm doing very well now that I'm not friends with that person anymore. I thought it would be hard - but it's not. I'm pulling myself through and everything couldn't be better. I actually feel so much better. It's like a distant memory, or perhaps a wound, that couldn't be healed but now it's made a full recovery. I know that's kind of bad to say, but that friendship was one of my hardest. We would have such great conversations, then we'd argue, then fight, and talk about not being friends... It was sort of emotionally damaging but I've pulled myself through, and haven't felt this great in a very long time.

I have officially started severing ties with my old friend. I think what's causing so much pain inside is that we had been through a lot together. We had so many things in common and so many deep conversations... It hurts to have to let that go but I know that I have to do it.

He accused me of stealing from him. "It's kind of convenient that after you leave, a bunch of my things go missing..." There was no trust in that friendship, none whatsoever. In case you don't know, this isn't the first time this friendship came close to an end, except this time it did. A few months ago there was turmoil but I won't get into that. He also said that I would make a bad psychologist... because I like to stay neutral on things.

That's what a psychologist does! You have to stay neutral so you don't get to emotionally involved... he also said because of how I was reacting that I did take things from him and that I would make a bad one because now I'm showing to much emotion... I don't understand! I can't be friends with someone who insults me like that... I just can't!

The pain from all the memories will always hurt but I don't know, perhaps the betrayal, mistrust, and lies will make them seem smaller... Maybe...

Friendship, when forged through pain and sadness becomes strong. You think that you know someone, you think that you cared for someone, when it was all a lie. A friend is supposed to care for you, love you, hold close to you, and never betray you. They aren't supposed to lie to you, accuse you of their faults, or totally spread lies about you.

It hurts to have to let go of something I once held so close to me. It hurts because of how much I cared for my friend, how much I thought we were going to be friends forever but betrayal can never have retribution nor can it be forgotten. You are stuck forever with your good memories of your friendship and all of the good things that you went through together, that you soldiered through together...

My friend, is no longer my friend but the memory of our friendship, of what we used to have, of what we used to be... will be safe in my heart forever...

Well my fitness goals are to lose more weight and become more evened out. Nothing is really preventing me from accomplishing them as I am managing to do it. Before it was harder until my trip to Ohio but now I'm on a roll, and managed to drop 10 kilos (20 pounds) and am working on more.

Uh. Yeah so a few months ago I was going through some relationship turmoils and got fed a bunch of freaking bullshit that I just found out NOW. First off, when a person says "I haven't spoken to them..." or "I don't like them", or "I never said I loved them..." you hope that it's true and you're not being screwed over.

Wow how freaking stupid of me... I hate myself for believing and being fed all of those lies. I guess I do get too forgiving but not anymore. Someone is going to see a very bad side of me soon. Assholes... I hate when people do that to you. Lie, betray - I hate it! Betrayal is the worst for me... how could they?

"Evil wakes in vengeance, be careful what you choose." I can't help but agree with this quote. Vengeance is a bad thing but if someone chooses to openly lie to you and betray you, then they have it coming.

No not of my personal being! Haha. Well it's not funny actually.

Anyway when I was in Ohio I had laid on my arm wrong and it had hurt for a few days. It doesn't hurt anymore but I realized the other day that when I put my arms out in front of me, the arm that hurt's shoulder blade pops out very far. The other one doesn't even do that at all. When I tried to do a push up when I got back, it hurt really badly and it still does if I attempt one. I think I may have dislocated my shoulder (or something around there to cause this). It's kind of sucky as I know that I already have enough problems to worry about: I might have arthritis, and I might have something else - but I know that I have done something to my arm but I just don't know what exactly. Who knew that laying on your side, and laying on your arm can do so much damage?

"To spare yourself some despair and self-loathing: become a vegetarian earlier, and DO NOT EAT CANDY BARS!"

So school starts up again next month and I'm not too thrilled. I have to take so many difficult classes and everything that it just worries me thinking about it. I also have Work Study next quarter, which has its ups and downs. I only have to take out 400 dollars in loans this quarter, but don't get the money until I finish the working. That's horribly inconvenient due to the fact that I barely have enough for my books and everything... Not to mention gas to Ontario for my labs. It's really stressful because I have no idea how long I will have to work next quarter in order to get paid... It's supposed to be 1,778 dollars from the work study, but I'm kind of more interested on the 'when' I'm going to be getting it.

BTW. My birthday is coming up soon, and just know what we will have to eat, and not exactly on what to do.

It's kind of interesting that a person I disliked so much to the point that if given the chance, I would have beaten the crap out of them, I would have, but what's funny is how fast I can feel so much empathy and sympathy for them. I'm talking to them right now on a messenger and I can't help but feel a need to help them out so that they don't feel pain anymore.

Perhaps that's the kind of feelings that a future, hope to be, Psychologist needs: empathy + sympathy to help people, to feel a connection but also to be able to help them through their struggles. Hm, perhaps this can count as experience for me? Helping out people all the time is a good thing, since I am very altruistic, I can see how being a Psychologist can be a good career for me.

So yeah. The day that I left Ohio, my friends and I played the Ouija board and it said that it was. In case that you don't know, Abaddon is my entity. I don't necessarily worship him, but in a way I do. He helped me out one summer, with lightening and stuff. I told some close peeps of mine about it. Anyway, I questioned Him for awhile and it was him. I thanked him for the help and asked him who I would date (something I do for fun) and it gave me two intials that I find very intriguing. I won't post them cos well, I don't need it to get out but they were very coincidental in a way.

My friend Brandy really wanted to know cos they closed their eyes because I wanted to know, and it spelled them out. Afterward, she asked if my other friend left if it would tell her, and Abaddon said yes. I told her but she got kind of confused and insisted it was untrue. Later found out that she thought it was for and not me. Wow, what I nice thing that would be if it were true... It said in April of next year it will happen... When I wanted to continue asking Abaddon about it, he kept saying "Anon Marcos". I asked if that meant, in a way, goodbye, and he said yes.

Later, I looked it up and found out that Anon means "In time, or soon". So I guess soon I will truly find out.


Here's an older image of him. In Greek, he's called "Apollyon".

Hey! Yeah being home is totally feeling awesome! I miss my friends though but they had best come visit me someday so I can have them meet my AWESOME friends here in Idaho! Well I haven't been upto since yesterday. Been hearing fireworks like crazy but it's all cool. Right now it's officially the fifth of July and today's my friend Raquel's birthday; I'm also watching Creepshow 2 with my friend Aaron and my younger brother!

WOW this blog just reads random and totally inappropriate in proper writing standards, oh well, I'm in a random mood!

Well I got absolutely no sleep! I went over to Brandy's house with Camden and we just hungout ALL NIGHT. Camden and I played some games while Brandy browsed the net. Then we played my Ouija board and I talked to Abaddon! He told me about my future relationships and all that stuff and well, I can't tell you everything. Then my friend Camden randomly said "I want to look at porn" and well, as a group of three - we did. I feel kind of weird saying it but it was hilarious. I mean seriously how do people do some of that stuff! I found it to be a great final bonding moment while I was here. Haha, play games, play the ouija board, and look at naughty stuff - wow.

I know that when I go to the airport, I'm going to be so tired but hey, it was all worth it!

So tonight is officially my last day here in Ohio with my friends. Some days weren't so great but others were awesome. Right now I'm sitting on the floor typing this while watching Brandy pop pimples off of Camden's chest. Wow, time really flies doesn't it? It seems just like yesterday when I first landed here and felt what humidity really was. I've experienced so many things than what I have had back at home and met so many new people. I really appreciate it all for what my friends here have done for me.









Experiences such as this one at the Lesbian club with Brandy and Katie! It was much better than that other one though. Seriously.


I'm going to miss them but I know it's time for me to return home.

I would call my Mom. She has always been there for me, through even the worst. I would tell her how much I appreciated her throughout my entire life even if I never really showed it and that I love her a lot.

Her name is Scarlet, her hands are as soft as porcelain... and she loves dollies.

How fast I change my mood. I was just glancing at my last entry and can't believe myself. I change so fast in my feeling toward someone that it's disturbing. That entry I expressed how much I cared for friends, and now I'm feeling disgusted, disappointed, and a little hate toward one of them. I mean honestly, if you come to visit someone then you should be the centre of their focus and everything. I mean sure, if your friend is dating someone of course the relationship should be important but the fact that I'm now sleeping outside of the room, on a couch, in a darkened area because I strongly believe that they just want to fuck. I mean seriously, what kind of person would do that?

You arrive, and then get told: "You know, you're bigger than I thought you were; I'm going to be honest, you're fatter than I thought." and then later you get told "I really appreciate it that you came to visit." Yeah, let me tell you how much that means to me that you completely insult me, destroy even more of my self-esteem, and then tell me how much of a great friend I am. I should have posted that the day I arrived but I didn't. I feel so shity right now; so full of disgust and anger... I wouldn't be surprised if I come home and become anorexic due to how much of my self-esteem has been destroyed.

I miss my real friends... The ones who know how I am, the ones who accept me for who I am... Friday cannot come fast enough, but I can't wait until I'm on that plane far from here and back where I belong... The place I call home; the place where I won't be insulted and then praised but accepted and held close to those I care about.

Last night I got to have a very personal, and close conversation with one of my best friends. It got very personal and he got emotional. I believe that that conversation made us closer because he thought that for me to come out here to visit him and others, that it would only make our relationship strained and difficult but I don't think so. From this experience, I find that I managed to get so much closer to him and my other friends. I don't regret my decision to come here, although I did in the beginning, but I see now that it's all worth it.

Sure we may fight sometimes over completely stupid things but the fact that two people can get through a fight like that and become even better friends is what counts the most.

So yeah, not to sound too assertive or anything but I believe that if someone has a friend spending a few days with him or her, that they should NOT be less than a metre away appearing to be having sex - OK?! I mean seriously. I wasn't even that far away but I swear to God that's what was going on. Not to mention the annoying kissing sounds every so often - they seemed to go on ALL NIGHT. I woke up because of them! They were just smooching, and kissing, and BLAH! I felt dirty and disgusted by it all! I mean seriously, it's only common respect to not do that kind of stuff to wake someone up?

By the way, I don't ever want to hear whether or not someone can ejaculate 14 times in a row. That's like the worst thing you can ever hear - EVER! I mean, I was just laying there, after being woken up at 9:30 AM to that! Seriously, the worst thing you can ever hear...

Well until my friend gets back from work, and that's two more hours so until then I guess I will humor myself somehow. So yeah, I go back home in five days now, not counting today of course. The trip has been interesting so far. I didn't go primarily for fun but just to see what life outside of Idaho was like. All I can say that it's full of different characters, hotter weather, and a stranger atmosphere.

I've never been to a bar before, but I don't know if I'll ever go to one when I go home because it's just not me. I'll probably go again with my friends on Tuesday because, well, if I leave on Friday then I should hangout as much more as possible. The last time though I got molested by a drag queen... Yeah. Before she was asking me all these questions like "Have you ever done drag before? You'd be beautiful!" and "I can make you a star!"; she did say she was kidding about me doing the drag, but not about the star thing in which bothered me. Afterward, I felt uncomfortable through the whole club scene and my good friend Brandy sat there with me the whole time because she and I both felt out of place... Finally, at 2:30 in the morning, my friend was done doing what he was doing and we got to go. By then, the drag queen was in the bag and well she wanted a hug from Brandy and I. I reluctantly gave her one but I thought it would be okay, but then she started feeling me over! She was like "Ooh. You know, I'm a powertop! I have a lot to offer to a boy!"

Here's the club:


and here's my friend Brandy being at the bar table with me:


Yeah and I also managed to go to the real Crystal Lake - you know the Lake where Jason Voorhees killed all those naughty counselors in the Friday The 13th Films? Yeah, it wasn't what I expected.